Best treatment for head lice

Maddie has been under the impression she has headlights (head lice) in her hair.

How I wish she only had a few bright halogen bulbs sticking out of her hair. Because halogen bulbs aren’t disgusting and they don’t lay eggs and if the halogen bulbs won’t leave her head alone, I could just create a really interesting track lighting system in my kitchen.

But instead she has the most vile and disgusting and stealth little fuckers in her hair.

Tonight I found myself SCREAMING at her head, GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!! But they won’t listen. Apparently they don’t respond to verbal threats OR chemical apocolypse.

Let me give you the run down of my last few days. Tuesday night I noticed Madison was still scratching her head and being the stupid retarded asshole of a mother I am, I thought to myself, ‘Hey, Asshole. You might want to take this child with the itchy scalp to the doctor.”

At that point I was thinking it was seborrhea (which as it turns out is a fancy name for dandruff. Who knew?). I thought the doctor might tell us to up the T-Gel and that would be that. But as I pondered calling the doctor I started fondling my lovely, clean, beautiful daughter’s hair.

Huge mistake. If only I would have started the fondling her hair the following morning I may have gotten one nice normal night of sleep before my nightmare began.

As I fondled her sweet smelling (and oh so very clean) hair, I SAW SOMETHING MOVE!

And since I’m such a great mother I remained calm, depending on how you define calm.

I define ‘remaining calm’ as not screaming “JESUS CHRIST THIS CHILD SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN LET INTO THIS COUNTRY!!!!! SEND HER BACK TO IRELAND!!!!!!!”

According to Logan remaining calm doesn’t involve saying anything like, “OH MY GOD!!!! SOMETHING JUST MOVED ON HER HEAD!!!!! GET ME A COMB!!!!!!!!”

Saying this didn’t keep Madison calm either. She started crying and I started back tracking.

“Well Madison, I thought it was a bug but it was an ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD ON YOUR HEAD!!!!!”

Please tell me there is a Santa.

So, Tuesday night, when I unfortunately uncovered the Headlights on Madison’s scalp, we started this hellacious journey. Except this is when the really great part starts! That big fat freelance check (which Logan earned by the way…did you think I’d get off my fat ass and make money? God!) had a hold put on it since it wasn’t a payroll check and since that was being held there wasn’t any cash in our checking account.

You’re thinking, ‘Just float a check until the funds clear.’

Ah, but you aren’t a Stupid Fucking Summers like we are. We used our last check on Tuesday afternoon! Weeeeeeeeeee!

So off I went to borrow money from my mother. I’ll tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve borrowed money from your mother to pay for the LICE TREATMENT on your child’s head. Things are so totally awesome here. But you just wait! Things are getting even more awesome!

Tuesday night we stayed up until 12am vacuuming and changing sheets and vacuuming mattresses and at one point the children were crouching on the bathroom floor crying…”Oh…but we’re tired…..” (I am not kidding. They said that like some Dickens orphans.)

But I said, “You’re not tired! You have lice you foul beasts and I’m going to use this (metal) comb (…as has been repeatedly recommended) until I get all those stupid little monsters off your head!”

Oh, surprise! Max had them too!

After we got everything cleaned up Logan went to bed and I sat by the light of the christmas tree and drank about 1.5 too many vodka gimlets and also used way more than my fair share of our narcotics stash.

The following morning I started my day by picking through my daughter’s head looking for bugs to eat because at that point I’d become nothing but a common monkey. Unfortunately my diet was ruined when I found nits on her head and then, though I could have been coming off the acid trip from the night before, I saw another of THOSE FUCKING BUGS CRAWLING ACROSS HER MOTHER FUCKING SCALP!

Then I wished I might die.

But I didn’t die. I called the pediatrician and asked what we should do now and she said, “You go to Costco and get yourself a jar of mayonnaise large enough you could dock your jet ski in it. Also, a similarly sized bottle of Makers Mark.”

I followed Doctor’s orders and bought a vat of mayonnaise, even though Logan hates mayonnaise with a fiery passion mostly reserved for republicans. It was only when I got it home that I realized, ‘Wow, this is a lot of mayonnaise.’

This was a big barrel of mayo. Maybe that picture doesn’t show you the sheer volume. For comparison, check out the bottle of Bell’s Logan brought home for me tonight next to the Vat of Mayo.

Perhaps you still didn’t get a feel for the size of the Vat O’ Mayo. Here I hold my hands up for scale.

I combed and I slathered mayonnaise on my daughter’s hair and then I picked and picked and picked and I swear to God above I got every one of those fuckers out of her hair in the two hours of picking I did.

And Thursday morning I checked again but not all that hard because I KNEW I got all of them the night before and we headed off to school.

I stopped at the office because I’m an honest type of person and I said, “My daughter had lice yesterday and I’m wondering if I need to do anything to get her back to class.”

And the secretary wasn’t there but the PTA president was and she said, “I’ll need to check her hair.”

So she did and OH MY FUCKING GOD! More nits!!!!!!!!

The PTA President, who I officially hate now, said to me, like I’m retarded. “Well you need to use a chemical shampoo on her hair.”

And I said, “Golly! Really? Uh huh….no kidding? I never heard of one of them thar chemical shampoos. I done thought if I poured just a little vodka and lime juice on those critters, them varments’d go away on thar own. Hooooo Weeeee. You done learn somethin every damn day!”

The PTA President is now a dead rat on my desk with mayonaisse and Rid spread all over her carcass.

The rest is an ongoing saga. I did another chemical bomb on my daughter’s hair which is apparently going to send her to the emergency room and quite POSSIBLY KILL HER!!!!!!! As if the formula feeding wasn’t enough, I mean don’t I love her enough? Now I’m going to Agent Orange her cute little arse. Will I never stop?

I went through her hair 3 times tonight and each time I found at least one nit.

I guarantee tomorrow I will call Mr Bush on my private line and tell him to just bomb my house because there is no other way.

Thankfully, Logan will be busy at a party so he won’t have to be killed in the name of the Lice. Maybe he’ll at least take Max with him. Maddie and I are going down.

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